Feeling trapped in an abusive relationship is one of the worst nightmares imaginable. It’s an endless cycle of fear, tears, anxiety, and the constant feeling that it’s never going to end. At some point, you may even begin to wonder if you are the crazy one. You’ve been so mentally pounded and beaten down that a deep, calm breath even seems a nearly impossible task.

And when there’s children involved…escape becomes a ridiculous notion that you try not to even consider because the disappointment that ‘it will never happen’ is just too much to bear.

I shared in a previous POWER News Story (here), how I managed to break free from an abusive ex-partner but what about when you live in the house with the abuser, the accuser, the manipulator? Mmmmm? What then?

There’s 4 very, very important things you must do to not only protect yourself and escape the abuse but also to prepare for actual escape.  

First, I want to tell you about Tonya. She’s one of the bravest women I’ve ever known. Her story, sadly, is very similar to what many other women are facing every day. However, I want you to be encouraged by Tonya’s bravery.

Tonya married the man of her dreams several years ago. He was attractive, loving, wealthy, charismatic…all the things that seemed perfect. For a while, he maintained the ‘good guy’ facade. Then one night, after an outing with friend and a few drinks later, he came home and began to abuse Tonya physically and emotionally. Tonya’s story (here). Before escaping, she suffered from bruises, a gun to the temple, and total control of her every move.

Tonya did eventually leave this man but she suffered years of abuse before finding the courage to leave. She spent the first year after leaving in court every week defending herself as a mother, doing everything within her power to maintain custody of her children.

As I sat with her at lunch a few days ago, she told me if she had it to do all over again, she would’ve still left even with all the hardships she faced, the battles she shouldn’t have had to fight, and the heartache of losing some ground with her children. Watch Tonya’s full story (here).

I can honestly say, the woman that sat across from me chatting over our freshly prepared Mongolian dish, is a happy woman. Life is not perfect but she’s living life on her terms. Her story has become her message of empowerment to other women.

Leaving was the answer for Tonya but it may not be the answer for you. You may not be ready for or even desire to move on with your life without your partner.

There’s absolutely no judgement here.

I’ve seen relationships healed by setting boundaries and I’ve known marriages that lasted through many, many years standing strong on “till death do we part”, even if it wasn’t the happiest of unions. Everyone’s situation is unique.

So, let’s dig into HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES EVEN WHEN YOU LIVE IN THE SAME HOME WITH THE ABUSER.

Please remember there are different types of abuse but most abuse falls under the umbrella of these 3; Emotional Abuse (most common), Physical Abuse, and Sexual Abuse.

 1) Prayer 🙏🏽

Sis, you are never alone. It may seem as though you are but what I have discovered about my prayers is God can’t move in your life until you make a definite decision about what it is you want.

I used to pray all the time about my relationship with my son’s father. Some days I would pray for his healing. Other days, I would pray for escape; for him to be completely removed from my life. Then there were the days I would pray for us to be able to co-parent effectively. It hit me that I had not made a clear decision on what I even wanted or was asking God to do in my life!

Ask yourself these questions:

~On the good days, what are the good qualities of your partner?

~If all the good qualities and bad traits of your partner were in another man, how would you feel about him? Would you find him attractive?

~If there’s children involved, are you ok with the good qualities and the bad traits in your partner showing up in your child?

These are the things I asked myself about my son’s father and when I got really honest with myself, I realized that I didn’t even like him much. I just felt trapped and was used to his presence.

Finally, the thought of those traits showing up in my son helped me to make a firm decision with my prayers. It isn’t always easy but that firm decision is absolutely necessary.

2) Protect Your Peace ☮

I know how important it can seem to want to be right or defend yourself (verbally), but protecting your peace is way more important. It’s so easy to get pulled into confrontation and allow the negative words of a partner to define you, especially when you’ve been isolated from family and friends. However, peace is way more important than being right or defending yourself and can you honestly say that you’ve ever changed the mind of your partner anyway. People are abusive because they are insecure and insecure people NEED and MUST be right in order to support their fragile ego.

Making a firm decision for peace within is the first step to having and preserving it. It’s important for you to know WHO you are and WHOSE you are. When you remember that you are special, created for a purpose, and meant for a life of Joy and Peace, it’s a game changer.

If you don’t know those things, browse my course and let’s start your healing process. (here). {Empowered Woman Unleashed}

Here’s the Peace Treaty Steps-

~If he wants to argue, don’t. Don’t try to change his mind. Remain silent or respond with a simple, “ok”. It’s not about submission. It’s about building inwardly the strength that you do possess! You are more powerful than you can imagine. We just have to replace that old head trash with the truth about you. So don’t waste your time arguing!

~Make a list of things that are true about you! Replace what your partner says about you with the truth about you.

            *I am more than a conqueror!

            *I am the child of the creator of the universe!

            *I am powerful!

            *I am strong!

            *I am a warrioress!

Just to name a few…

My son’s father would tell me often that I was stupid and weak. He would threaten to kill me and talk about how much better off Cannon would be if I would just die. I was working on writing a book at the time and exploring the journey of being a certified Life Coach. Learning how to protect my peace was the ONLY WAY I was going to succeed.

I didn’t always manage to NOT FIGHT BACK, but anytime I would allow him to break me down, I just doubled up on building myself back up. As you can see, it works! Today, my life’s work is to help you find yours!

3) Fill yourself up with good stuff every day! 👍🏼

Sis, what are you watching on TV. The news? Crime shows? Real housewives of L.A.?

What kind of music are you listening to? What kinds of conversations are you having with friends and family?

When you start becoming aware of all the negative things that you willingly shovel into your mind, you’ll better understand why you struggle to feel good ever! Developing a peaceful mindset is challenging enough without dumping trash into the most beautiful part of you.

Filling myself up with good stuff is something I still do to this day. I prepare myself every morning in preparation for the day I WANT, not the day I’ll get without intention.

My morning looks like this…

*Prayer

*Coffee

*Affirmations

*Meditation

*POUR IN THE GOOD STUFF! Audio book, Motivational YouTube Videos, or Feel Good Music!

I do this every morning and I started it when I had an abuser in my face all the time!

Today, I’m free of that abusive life. I can wake up when I want. I don’t have to worry about being woke from my sleep with fear and dread. I can get in my car and go where I want. I live life on my terms without any other human controlling me or beating me down.

I want all those things for you too!

Lastly, LOVE ❤️

Love you, love your partner, love everyone. Here’s the deal and I can’t stress this enough…NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH LOVE!

You don’t have to express that love to others, you just have to feel it within. Forgive people and love them, unconditionally. Your ego is going to scream in rebellion over this! That’s ok, let it scream.

My goal is for you to have the best life imaginable, the life you dream of…and nothing great or beautiful comes without loving yourself and everyone else. You can dislike someone’s ways and still feel love in your heart for them.

There’s not a day goes by that I don’t say a prayer for Cannon’s father. I have made peace with the troubles between us, and I am a happier, more fulfilled person for it. He has no clue he’s prayed for every night, but my peace of mind is intact!

❤️

Sis, everyone’s situation is unique, and I encourage every woman to seek the life God has for her… for you. You can have an amazing life, a life of love and happiness. I’ll never advise a sister to stay in any environment where you are not celebrated or suffering from abuse. But if you choose to stay, I’ll continue to empower you where you are!

Love you, Sis! Prayers for you!